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sometimes I feel you lurking there
near the corner of my conscience
the part of me that is aware
I feel you and sometimes see you
that dark shadowy form that you have
the way that you flit around my psyche
trying not to be seen clearly
until you are ready to pounce upon me
which you often do in my sleep
giving me dreams that hurt
making me relive past pains
waking me sometimes with your sharp bite
I feel you lurking there now
and I try not to sleep
for I am tired of the ache
tired of the old game
that you and I play
I have the better of you
most often during the day
when the sun shines into my eyes
and I can feel better things more strongly
but in the darkness you try to come
filling me with the old despair
that no one can ever understand
unless they too have had a great loss
and felt the knife of betrayal
deep within their heart
but I will fight on with you
my enemy my nightmare
my Depression
A cold feeling down deep in one's soul that tires you out and makes you feel so very old.
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Professional Writer
Oh wow, this is exactly how I feel about Depression. I refer to it as "Her." And many times it feels like she's chasing me and then tackles me to the ground. It often crushes me in a moment. This really captures it so well, it's very well composed. And you refer to it as The Dark too. This is another image/feeling I have about it.
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much my friend :) It is a feeling that seems to linger, even when things are going really well for me. That cloud of dark is always there waiting :) But with knowledge comes enlightenment, bravery helps me keep my chin up :) I am so happy that you liked this one.
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Professional Writer
Sometimes when I'm laughing about something and feeling really good I get this inner glimpse of Her in the shadows, just watching. She hates it when I'm having fun. She never has fun. And it always feels like she wants to destroy me. I'm not schizophrenic or anything, communication between Her and me is mainly just emotional, feelings and stuff, and it's probably just me worrying about the depression lingering there, like I'm expecting it to take me, like it's not okay to be happy, like I cannot be happy for a long time. I write about her a lot in my present novel. And if I ever get the damned thing finished you can read it. I'm working on the layout and just polishing up the text, but it's been hard. I've worked on it a long time and it feels like I'm saying goodbye to a lot of friends I've spent a long time with. And I have to shamelessly say I think it would make a fantastic film.
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013   Writer
Hey that sounds great, I would love to read it :) and I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes its like an Indian is hiding in ambush just waiting for me to let my guard down, you know :)
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013  Professional Writer
I'd rather deal with the Indian than Her. I have, over the years, taken to calling her Pandora, or Pandy, because she is just like Pandora's Box.
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013   Writer
I like that Pandy, that is quite good :) Im sorry that you have that cloud hanging around, :( wish I could help because I know it can be worrisome and make you weary.
I know that you know that things will bet better, things do fluctuate good to bad and then back again, its just hard to find your balance at times. I like the way that you are dealing tho, I admire you much for that :) Hope you are feeling good this weekend :)
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm trying. Most things in my life are an effort to keep me entertained. It makes me look selfish I suppose but if I didn't do it I fear to know what my life might be like.
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013   Writer
Its not selfish, its just the way it is, Im a lot like that myself and was a lot when I was younger. I think maybe folks like us just see reality differently. Henry David Thoreau (in his book Walden or Life in the Woods) wrote that if a man appears to be marching to a different tune then perhaps he hears a different drummer :)
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(1 Reply)
:iconannezon:
Annezon Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:-( So sorry you're feeling bad. I always called it my uninvited guest. It shows up unannounced, unwanted...just when you think you've gotten rid of it, it proves you wrong. You try so hard to get it to leave, but it just wants to hang around, making you miserable. Such a painful thing to go through...worse than anything physical.

So glad you have your writing as an outlet. It doesn't take it away, but it helps. Feels a bit like purging your soul I would think. Nighttime is always the hardest too. Hang in there...this too shall pass:tighthug: You have friends wishing you the best and hoping you feel better soon:nod::-):heart:
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much, yes the ugly head of depression comes along now and then. I have had a lifetime of it, ever since childhood, but I do try to channel it now into better things. The only time it really gets to me is in dreams of things that occurred during my break up and divorce a few years ago. It seldom bothers me consciously but some of the memory/dreams either really hurt or make me very very angry, you know.

I appreciate you very much my friend, always :)
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:iconannezon:
Annezon Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug:
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013   Writer
Thank you for the hugs, very much :)
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Professional Writer
My solution to depression was to stay busy. It helped a lot with the suicidal feelings. Now I'm finding I'm so busy that it's depressing how long it takes me to complete things, so I'm simplifying. What worked for you?
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013   Writer
I often had to break time down to small bits, my worst time in life came a few years ago when my long marriage broke up, rather unexpectedly, and my wife took up with a really young guy she met at work, that blew me away. At first I had to guard against my anger and the urge to go on the warpath so I channeled it into sorrow, which was harder to bear up under. I took it one minute at a time but it would hit me about 3 in them morning and all I wanted to do was howl out my pain. I have never felt suicidal, at least not yet, as I have a small voice in the back of my head that always whispers to me that its bad but its temporary, you know. Also, I want to be here for the end of the story, the very last word of the last sentence of the last paragraph :)
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Professional Writer
Haha. I like that you want to be here to the end. I do to. I don't ever want to die and I think that's been my solution to suicide. Even if it sucks being alive it's the only way you can experience things and get answers to questions and whatever, even if those things only bring a tiny bit of very brief happiness.
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013   Writer
True, happiness even if brief is wonderful. The good thing is the bad is temporary to :)
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013  Professional Writer
Yes, but even knowing that, while depressed, often doesn't make it less awful. In the last three days I've had four up/down cycles, which is approaching normal in some ways. I've never been like this before. A year ago I would be up or down for at least a few weeks, and when I was a teen I was down for years.
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013   Writer
Yes, I know how that goes, I have the habit (guess Ill call it that) of falling off into a deep rut of depression along about the middle of November and it doesn't lift until about the end of January, its always been this way even when I was a kid. It always totally ruined any holiday cheer. I know it generally passes but while Im in the rut I keep to myself and don't want to be very sociable, just feel like saying F it all, you know, even at my age I have trouble with this emotion, but we will keep fighting the good fight :)
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(1 Reply)
:iconbigblueskyfotos:
BigBlueSkyFotos Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:nod: so wonderfully said! Amen!
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:iconkeytoserenity:
keytoserenity Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
so sad, yet beautiful, know this feeling all too well, and I hope, in time, it will pass, best wishes, stay strong
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:iconbenhammonds:
BenHammonds Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013   Writer
Thank you much, seems that this old dark cloud hangs around me and has for many years :) But I know my enemy and will stay strong. Thank you again,
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:iconkeytoserenity:
keytoserenity Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem :)
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